WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I’m calling the cops.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments