My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
You Might Also Like
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Word.
~ Microsoft.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
my nickname in college
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Alexa: *deep breath*
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me