My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.