In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
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PARKOUR
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon