Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
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this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
congratulations to them
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently