Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Chicken bread
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Bobby pin
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.