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Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
the composer
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one