I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
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Generation gap…
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.