This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me if I was a dog
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.