[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
me doing my best
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.