A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
The first matador
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?