If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
You Might Also Like
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
TEETH IS INNOCENT
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig