Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
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Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed