Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
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My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
This pepper has seen some shit
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.