therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
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me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?