*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
You Might Also Like
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.