This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
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serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
stop
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.