Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
nice challenge
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.