A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
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Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?