Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
BRO LMFAO
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
when revenge coincides with naptime