starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.