Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
You Might Also Like
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.