Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
can’t believe I got front row seats
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.