A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
You Might Also Like
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.