Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.