The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!