My favorite female superhero
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die