I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
You Might Also Like
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
That was easy.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.