Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
All set.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
#FunnyLife Insects
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please