Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.