Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets