Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
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Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”