I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
This is enough internet for the day.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.