Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
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I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Here’s a meme
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!