“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
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you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out