if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.