If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
You Might Also Like
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
For when Tinder doesn’t work
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.