Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
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Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.