Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
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Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Best spot.. 😅
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Am I having a stroke?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.