A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
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her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Bill is short for Billiam
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.