The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
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How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME