At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
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When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones