Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Dear Lord..
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start