Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
🚲+physics = winner
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Please do it!
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham