I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
A tragic love story in two pictures.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
A Short Story.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.