No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
that de-escalated quickly
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Not😆🤣
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]