BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
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People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18