There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
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I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Jail
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.