I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
same vibe as tangled headphones
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.