I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.